Of course, it’s not good manners to revel in another’s misfortune, but geez I’m enjoying the already-iconic photo of the Andrew formerly known as prince being driven home from the police station – on his 66th birthday.
From his wild eyes to his tented hands, you can see this is a man for whom the bad penny has finally dropped: Wow, I might not be able to rank-pull my way out of this. For someone who famously said in his BBC Newsnight interview that he couldn’t sweat, he looks like he’s sweating bullets.
So arrogant and pompous that he used his former titles even in emails to pals like Jeffrey Epstein, Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor would not have been able to fathom his arrest. Having his DNA and a mug shot taken, being treated like the commoners his birth elevated him above.
The revelations surrounding Epstein are incredibly serious. Horrific crimes against hundreds of women and children, some of which may have involved powerful men who thought they were above the law. It must be noted that Andrew denies any criminal allegations made against him. But there’s no doubt his arrest is the apex of a royal high drama that is for many people the world’s most gripping reality show.
While there’s much more of Andrew’s story to unfold as police investigate claims of misconduct in public office, the bigger yarn is the monarchy itself.
King Charles effectively kicked his brother off the island, then popped up smiling at London Fashion Week even as his brother faced a sergeant’s flat voice in an interview room.
“The law must take its course,” the king said, before watching models stomp down a runway. The juxtaposition alone deserves a BAFTA.
You couldn’t make this stuff up. Which is why in the coming weeks, when inevitable calls are made to fold up the whole Windsor circus tent, we need to resist.
The British royals are MAFS for posh people. And right now, the writers’ room is on fire.
Those of my era remember peak content: Diana in bike shorts, affairs, tampongate. Actual period costumes worn on It’s A Royal Knockout.
Then QE2 steadied the ship. Harry detonated it again. Charles arrived and everyone feared beige.
But this isn’t beige. This is transition season. Abolishing the royals now would be like cancelling the show just as the new, better-looking cast is set to take over.
Sure, the curtain’s been pulled back and we can all see the Wizard pedalling madly, but that just means the royals know they’re on thin ice and are going to work harder to entertain us.
Charles, corporate downsizer in a signet ring, is cutting loose his liabilities. Next in the gun: the York princesses. Named in the Epstein files, they were adults when they lunched with Epstein after his 2009 release from prison for procuring a child for prostitution. Bye, ladies.
But Charles is just the holding pattern. The main event is Kate and William as bosses.
Then we’ll get a hot, youngish king and queen who do yoga in white jeans, can scuba dive and have kids who are growing up fast.
There’ll be sibling rivalry. Questions about who gets what role. Who gets to opt out. Who gets a nose ring. Maybe the return of the American cousins who want to stop making mom’s jam, for Pete’s sake, and get a piece of the action.
You can feel the tonal shift coming. Less chaotic aristocracy, more glossy dynasty. The Wales are controlled, camera-savvy, careful – but still human. Which means mess will arrive eventually.
There’ll be staff leaks. Some exhausted former nanny will sell a book called Raising the Future King: My Truth. A protection officer will do a podcast.
And somewhere along the line, there’ll be a modern scandal the palace PR machine can’t game. A rogue WhatsApp thread. A tell-all that lands too fast to contain.
Because you can streamline and rebrand the monarchy but you can’t remove the humans inside it. Culturally the royals still do something nothing else can: give us a rolling global soap opera about power, family, betrayal and survival that cuts across politics and class.
Kate Halfpenny is the founder of Bad Mother Media.
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